Sitting on the corner of the bed, I begin to recall all the nights I read to my children before bedtime. One book was never enough, it was usually an excited “just one more please,” from both of my children.

A somber and nostalgic wave blew across me. As I’m petting my King Charles Cavaliers hair, she closes her eyes and begins to bark softly, having doggie dreams, no doubt. I begin to think this is it; this is what it feels like to be an empty nester.

I’m pondering in the room and feeling a new pain, one I’ve never felt before. Only to realize, I must have said the last part aloud, I hear a voice come from the other side of the bed

“mom I’m right here , you’re not an empty nester, both of your kids still live at home”, the voice said. I turned my head and on my left side, I saw my daughter “mom you’re literally sitting on my bed” she said.

I glanced at her and realized I was indeed sitting on her bed. Observing me in amusement she sits up, she smiles and I smile back at her as she places her arm around my shoulder. I place both arms around her and I’m grateful, not yet an empty nester.

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While sitting for a moment, before leaving on a walk with my life partner, I began scrolling through my phone. I self-navigate through the Substack platform which at times feels like navigating through the halls of a large university. While wandering through this platform just beginning to understand it, an unknown voice stopped me unexpectedly.

Stepping into rooms, I come across a political commentator enthusiastic about moving past this temporary current state of events where she recommends real next steps to all who’ll listen. The self-declared lifelong student in me awakens, so I sit for as much as time permits, then continue.

I find myself in a room where a host is interviewing her guest in a conversation about her expertise and just as I think the conversation has ended, a demonstration begins with a large bowl being used to create a healing sound while singing in tandem. That brings me back to a simpler time in life, so I stay and close my eyes while listening and remembering. Following the prompts, I breathe in and then exhale as a sense of peace falls over me, then it’s time to open my eyes, unexpectedly feeling fully energized just in time for my walk.

Finally, as I scroll back into the corner of this Substack University, I come across my room. The Amber Hours are short stories that are based upon real events through a fiction lens. They were written for the ones who need a brief respite to escape hardships, just for a moment, with a small and thoughtful group of various creators who are new to the room but nevertheless joining me on this journey. So, if you happen to wander these halls and find yourself in this little corner, please feel free to sit for a while, chat and share ideas, comments, artwork, and bring a joke, all are welcome as I’d like to be a part of your journey, albeit in my tiny corner here at the Substack University.

Bonnie Bluewater

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I’ve never had social media.

LinkedIn in the past was for job leads, but I never posted a single thing.

I thought it was bold when my mother started her Facebook over a decade ago, my sister, daughter, and friends would constantly ask me to finally create one, but I never did.

When I launched Amber & Ash on Substack, I was in a new and slightly uncomfortable atmosphere.

It was unfamiliar like learning a new language and trying to speak with fluency.

It felt like I was the last one to arrive at a meeting, like a freshmen in high school, like the newly hired trainee.

I haven’t earned the right to be in that space, or have I?

So, I introduced myself with a 👋 Hi to everyone and a wave in hopes that no one would point me out and yell imposter.

And yeah, that link to my work in the chat forgetting the h before https:. I may need one of those stickers that new drivers have that reads be patient new driver.

Yet, I got here, typo and all, still learning the language of social media.

~Bonnie Bluewater

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In Our Sharing Circle, I wanted to depict a representation of myself without too many of the unglamorous details. Life wasn’t as kind in my upbringing but there were many relationships that mirrored this story. There was a community of people there for me rather than one specific individual and along the way there were a sporadic bunch, not because they weren’t present, because my family moved around so often that there was never opportunity to grow roots.

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By: Bonnie Bluewater

In The Narcissist Hall of Fame, I aimed to reach the audience in a deep and personal level. One of uneasy relationships, one of personal triumph, and one of broken promises, many of the details were of my own life seen through Kiley’s path. I’m still amazed constantly at how many narcissist types there are out in the world. The relationships were very accurate but so was the path to the other side and that is the story I wanted to display.

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In Seeds Don’t Choose Their Soil, I wanted to create an atmosphere where many families still live. They are hard-working families that sometimes miss opportunities that others have so they can keep afloat. I knew many families that weaved a bridge between their societal lives as well as their cultural lives to live the American dream. Unfortunately, I see many being destroyed that will likely burden generations because of the environment we live in. Their story, is the story I wanted to tell with Seeds Don’t Choose Their Soil.

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“ I’m going to lose the job before I get it,” said Destiny, who was dressed in a white collared button-up blouse with brown slacks and black dress shoes since this is how one dressed to get a job, according to her older brother Benny anyway.

She was sitting in the passenger seat of Benny’s old Toyota, that always seemed to smell like a mixture of Sage and cologne, parked outside the American Indian Center (AIC) when Benny said,

“You won’t know until you go in.”

She slowly opened the door, stepped out, gaining momentum as she walked towards the building, when she heard Benny yell out “I’ll be back after I run to the store for mom,” Destiny turned her head to watch as Benny drove away. Walking into the building, there were a handful of teenagers also dressed up in similar attire which meant she was in the right place , she looked around and noticed a sign that read, Interviews with arrows pointing straight across, so she followed the arrows. The path led her into a large room with portraits and Native American arts that covered the walls with two elder women sitting on chairs going through resumes.

“Come on in,” one of them suggested as Destiny walked in immediately feeling the nerves rise, straightening her shoulders back when she cleared her throat and said, “um hi, I have an interview at ten o’clock.’”

One very tall elder male with long braided hair also dressed in a white collared short sleeve shirt and brown slacks observed her and then said “sure, you must be Destiny, “while placing his hand out, she recalled all of the advice her brother gave her in that moment, stand up straight, make eye contact and remember speak clearly and last don’t forget to have a firm handshake.

She grabbed the elder’s hand and said, “yes that’s me,” gripping his hand a little tighter than she had anticipated, when she heard what sounded like a crack.

Though he didn’t seem affected at all ,

“I’m Noel” he introduced himself, then pointed to the others, “ and this is Grace and Beatrice” as they both replied “hello.” Noel then said, “This is going to be very casual so please relax!” “Oh okay,” said Destiny.

Noel began speaking,

“Were hiring camp counselors for five weeks this summer, with the groups lasting one week each, so my first question for you is what is your experience?”

Uh oh, well Destiny didn’t have any real world experience but wanted to sound like she did, so she said, “Well I’ve done some babysitting,” she noticed all three immediately began nodding their heads, as she spoke about her very little experience, but it seemed to be working, so she continued. “ I’m also in leadership in school, and I volunteer at the hospital where my mom works.”

“Wow,” Noel said, ”that is more experience than the last four interviews we’ve had today.” The interview felt like it was going well when Grace asked a single question about Destiny’s summer plans, “Do you have any vacation plans that might take you away?”

Destiny was hoping her summer plans included the camp counselor job ,so she said, “I’m not planning anything this summer.” It was Beatrice’s turn when she asked, “Do you know CPR?” “Yes ‘”Destiny said in an excited tone, finally something she did have experience in, since she had just trained in it the week before, mandatory for all volunteers in the hospital.

Then Noel asked one last question

“Why do you want to work as a camp counselor?,”

as Destiny thought about it she wanted to say because she needed a summer job, so she can buy things she wanted, but instead she said “I want to become a counselor because I know I can help the kids like they did when I was a camper she continued, I can help them with arts and crafts, and I could share a little about our history as native people, but before she could finish Noel interrupts asking, “oh what tribe?” without hesitation said, “I’m a mixture of Pascua Yaqui, Navajo, and Apache,” Noel glanced up at Destiny and began to slightly smile and then said, “your related to Geronimo.” As she looked at Noel, she thought about it since she never heard anyone describe her as being related to Geronimo. In that moment, she held her head a little higher, smiled and then said “yeah, I am!” Noel smiled a little larger and said, “Okay Destiny, we start training this Saturday.”

As Destiny walked out of the building she found where Benny’s old Toyota was parked, she opened the door, stepped in sat down and excitedly said, “I got it Benny!”

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After over a week of training, Destiny arrived at camp and the first thing that she noticed was all the children running around the booths. The booths were full of arts ,crafts and stations for beading, and while standing there, a memory raced across her mind of when she first learned how to bead.

Annie, her older sister, asked what colors you want? ,” to a much younger Destiny she replied” blue like the sky, and white,” ok now we have to be very steady,” placing her hand over Destiny’s to guide her. “Careful,” she said, lead the bead exactly where you want it to land, and that way, paused then continued, they don’t end up all over the ground” as she giggled and they completed her new bracelet together.

Standing there she looked around wondering if she would see Annie, since she was also working that year as a camp counselor . Far in the distance, there she was, working with the youngest of the children. Annie looked up for a brief second, then gave Destiny a nod, leaving her feeling a little more at ease. She was ready to find her group of campers, and when she did, she made the introduction excitedly saying, “Hey kids, I’m Destiny and I’ll be your camp counselor.”

She made sure all campers were present before she began explaining the rules to the kids as they would be going on their first hike. “You all might see wildlife and small animals, but don’t pet them, it’s not a zoo, and don’t chase them because a small animal could actually have a large mom or dad trailing not too far behind them.” she holds her composure but smiles as the kids begin laughing. The first few days felt like they were going well, the group of campers mostly knew their daily routine, waking up early then eating together, right before they began their day of activities, daily hiking, swimming, and Destiny’s favorite part of the day their sharing circle.

Their sharing circle typically began with the eldest ,who just happened to be Noel, as he explained the most important rule, whomever holds the talking stick , which was a wooden stick decorated with a single feather, blessed in sage beforehand, is the one with the voice and everyone else listens respectfully and waits until their turn to share. She enjoyed when Noel spoke reminding the group “always stay respectful to each other and mother earth, and consider the future generations, when you make decisions that you believe only affect you.”

When she heard these words come from Noel, she felt an inner strength that she hadn’t before and they would resonate within her. When it was her turn, she would try to share how the day went well with the campers and then tell a joke towards the end to make the children laugh, as she loved to hear them laugh. Later that night, as the campers were preparing for bedtime, she walked outside to view the moonlight and noticed Annie sitting alone next to the campfire, so she decided to go sit with her.

“Hey Destiny,” Annie said, “how is it going today?” she responded “I now know why you like to be a counselor Annie, looking out for every small person here, making sure that even though they have hard home lives we can do our small part, and we show up for them! As Annie Agreed “yeah, I plan on it.” Destiny replied, “me too, I think we should make a sister pact that no matter what happens in our own lives , whether you have a whole tribe of kids and I have none at all, we show up for them and show up for each other” as they both nodded in agreement, staring at the fire for a few more minutes.

Destiny realized that the camp counselor position was more than a job, it was training for everything that followed.

On the third day, as the campers began to sit in the lunch circle, Destiny noticed that one of her campers was missing. “Where’s Alex?” , now, Alex was an adventurous young boy with long black hair that blew through the wind while he would run, and typically the last camper to get in line, and the last camper to sit down for lunch. Asking the others if they’d seen him , nobody had , so she began searching. She didn’t see him with any other camper or any other counselor.

She immediately started to panic, and in that moment she remembered her mother’s words whenever she lost something, try and backtrack it’s probably the last place you used them, so she immediately checked the bathrooms, then she checked the cabins and the surrounding area, nothing, and then she went back to their last hiking path, where they observed a deer earlier that day. At that point, she was beginning to sweat and out of breath, but she walked down the path slowly, while peeling her eyes so she didn’t miss him, and there he stood , “finally!” she said while running up to him to give him a bear hug. After a few seconds, she looked at his face and made sure he wasn’t hurt but amazingly he appeared calm and mostly confused about why she was hugging him in the first place.

“Alex, I’m going to be your walking buddy from now on okay, let’s go!” she said as she walked with Alex back to the camp. When they returned together from the woods, the children were happy to see them as one camper asked, “next time, can I go on a camp mission with you two?” as Destiny breathed deeply.

Over the next few days, Destiny noticed that Alex was now always the first camper in line and he walked alongside her on all their hiking trips. On the last day of camp, the kids said their goodbyes to each other when Alex walked up to Destiny and before leaving said” I can’t wait till next year, will you be here?” she didn’t hesitate and said, “of course I will!” After the campers boarded their buses homebound, Noel walked up to her and said, “ You really made an impression on the camper’s Destiny, will you come back next year?” these words meant so much hearing them come from Noel, so she replied excitedly, “I’d be happy to!” This would lead her to return to the camp as a counselor for three more summers after that.

Destiny was accepted into Arizona State University, being the first in her family to attend higher education. Though she was excited to be emphasizing in nursing, this was the first time she wouldn’t be able to attend camp as a counselor, making her feel a little guilty, but her time would be spent learning about helping others, in a different way. While she was there for nursing, she had to choose an elective course, so she chose Documentary Films.

In that course, she expanded her knowledge base to learn about Canada’s indigenous population through a documentary titled Kanehsatake: 270 Years of Resistance, among other films. She enjoyed it so much, later in the year she became a teacher’s assistant for that course allowing her to choose some of the titles they would show.

One evening Destiny was in her dorm room, sitting at her desk, writing in her journal, when she received a call from Annie.

“Hey Destiny, what are you up to little sis?” she said in a solemn tone, “I’m good Annie ! How are you and how is Benny and Mom doing?” “They’re all fine, I wanted to call to give you some sad news today, she paused, then said Noel has passed on!” ”Destiny replied “no.”

Exactly Four days had passed, before Destiny returned home to say goodbye to Noel. There were tribes from all nations that attended both young and elders, to share stories and celebrate Noels spirit. Grace returned as well, holding the talking stick closely, with everyone present she began to speak of the years she shared with Noel at AIC, she said he was a friend, a teacher, a leader, and a brother to the entire community.

The talking stick went around the circle where each of the members provided their kind and gentle words and memories. Then it was Destiny’s turn, while breathing in, she closed her eyes and began by saying,

“Noel was the first person that I spoke with at AIC, and really made me feel at home, he was careful with his words and he seen the true me, almost immediately,

Noel, I want to say to you today, your wisdom will carry on, in me, and all of us here,” sighing deeply, then said

“Aho!”

Noel would be cremated within the next few days.

Before Destiny left, returning to Arizona State, she sat with Annie out in the night sky one last time, they shared memories of camp life, their time around the fire, their sister pact, and a memory about the missing camper.

Destiny revealed, I can’t believe I almost lost a camper, Annie laughed and said which camper did you almost lose?

Destiny replying “it was Alex,” as they both began laughing and Annie responding, “oh yeah, that would make sense!” At the end of the night, they looked at each other with tears running down their face, both still saddened by Noel’s passing, they gave each other a big bear hug then sat together in silence.

The very next summer was upon them, while the air felt brisk with the changing of the season, the familiar smell of Sage blew across Destiny’s face as she arrived at the campground. The new camp counselors were preparing for their first sharing circle. She viewed all the spaces in the circle as she stood in front of Noels’ old spot after the blessing. She noticed Alex, now a camp counselor, had a newfound strength and confidence that didn’t exist before, he smiled and handed Destiny the talking stick, she sat down and began with the rules of their sharing circle “whomever held the talking stick, holds the voice” as the children sat wide eyed and observant.

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This story is for the young Native woman who has ever walked into a room and wondered if she belonged there.

It is for the one who carries multiple heritages in her blood and has not always had language for what that means. For the one who learned something beautiful from someone who saw her clearly before she saw herself.

It is for the one who has sat in a circle and felt something larger than herself move through the air around her.

Our Sharing Circle is a depiction of real events from my own life, The American Indian Center, The talking stick, The elder who interrupted to ask what tribe and then handed me something I have carried every day since.

He knew me before I really knew me.

This story belongs to every Native child who deserves to see themselves represented in the best light.

Not as a history lesson.

Not as a symbol.

As a fifteen year old girl in a white collared blouse who gripped an elder’s hand a little too tight and walked out with a job and her head held a little higher than when she went in.

Aho.

Bonnie Bluewater

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A window into our shared journey:

“She held her knee up with one hand and kicked one heel off…once she placed them on her feet, she picked up her two-inch heels and whispered, ‘Oh, this is much better.’”

If you are looking for a space of resilience and hope, join our community of readers today: bonniebluewater@substack.com

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Wearing a long medium silk black dress that fell below her knees, a two-inch heel, with her hair pinned up and just a few brunette-colored strands falling onto her shoulders Kiley Blake felt accomplished. Contemplating new opportunities that she now faced, she stopped then pushed herself up against the wall, she received a glance from a passerby, she held her knee with one hand and kicked one heel off then lifted the other knee kicking the other heel off, so that she could change into her black flats.

Once she placed them on her feet, she picked up her two-inch heels and whispered,

“oh this is much better.”

She began walking singly down a long hall at the Chicago Humanities Festival where serious artists including Kiley were recognized for their accomplishments. She had just been recognized for her collections of photographs and supporting books and materials.

In that long hall there were many doors with beautiful exhibits from illustrations to oil paintings and much more. She spent more time than she anticipated observing and admiring the quality of their artistry. There was one room she expected to visit along the way as Kiley reached out to open the unlocked door. Stepping inside she peered along the walls, where she viewed her photographs delicately placed, no doubt, whereas one in the center appeared slightly larger than the others.

Kiley’s first inclination was to continue her stride, staying in her euphoria, heading towards the exit door. Instead, she slowed her walk, pondering, was there time to observe her photos from the vantage point that someone new would, with a fresh set of eyes? Her family would likely still be getting through a line of people waiting to get outdoors where they planned to meet up, so she thought, yeah, there’s time. Memories rushed across her mind ,still delicate, but ultimately weren’t fresh any longer. The pull of the centerpiece brought her more emotion, so she paused and instead she stepped closer towards the first image, where it felt simpler. Kiley smiled as she observed it, she viewed the title which read, The X-Boyfriend by Kiley Blake.

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As she thought about the moment she met Ryan Randel, he was six feet tall with blue green eyes, well-kept hair, he wore designer clothing and had no piercings or tattoos that led Kiley to think that he was a safe choice and because their friend Sarah made the initial introduction. Sarah and Kiley met as coworkers who almost immediately became great friends. They both worked in a photo studio and had a love for photography at their core.

Shortly after meeting Sarah, she recalled Sarah blurting out

“ hey you should meet my friend Ryan, you two would really hit it off?”

In an excited tone said

“yeah, okay tell me a little about him.”

Sarah painted this picture of him that seemed desirable.

She said “he was in sales, tall, handsome, smart with his money who was putting it mostly towards purchasing a townhome with a lake in the back.

Too good to be true, but Sarah talked him up as a hot item in the dating world. So, Kiley agreed and Ryan and Kiley would meet at the studio on a Friday after work.

Upon her first view she noticed he was driving a new BMW and Sarah was right he was tall and handsome with blue green eyes and broad shoulders. Their first date was surprisingly well and when their date ended, she drove home excited to call Sarah since it was a success. Sarah was glad to hear, then she got a call from Ryan, so she said Kiley I’ll call you right back Ryan is on the phone, so Kiley agreed.

Sarah called Kiley back and said,

“are you up for another date on Thursday? “Um Yes!” Kiley quickly said excitedly.

As Thursday was upon them, Kiley was picked up by Ryan in his BMW and while driving, he asked “where do you want to go, a movie maybe?

Before Kiley could answer Ryan said “oh I know, ill take you to see where I work” Kiley agreed “okay” even though she wasn’t that interested in going to his job on a date. As they drove a few minutes, she realized that Ryan enjoyed talking so much that he would ask a question and before Kiley could answer, he would answer his own question.

Once they arrived, he got out and said come on. She stepped out of his car, closing the door behind her. Kiley looking down to make a quick visual check of her outfit, Ryan had already begun walking into the door, she thought oh he’ll hold the door for her since he knew her legs were shorter than his, but nonetheless she walked a little faster. She got to the door and realized he had already walked in, leaving her outside. To Kiley, this felt absurd, but calming herself down she thought it was just an overlook by Ryan, so she opened the door and walked in brushing her feelings aside and told herself it’s no big deal.

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When she looked around, she observed a store full of furniture and mostly mattresses.

This was Ryan’s job, a mattress salesman, “hmm” she said and then heard a yell in the

distance it was Ryan saying Kiley “I’m over here” as Kiley walked towards him, she noticed another person standing next to him “This is my supervisor Gary” Ryan said “nice to meet you” Kiley said while waving. Gary looked at Ryan and then Kiley and said, “very nice to meet you, I was trying to get your boyfriend to work today for a few hours what do you say?” Kiley, though feeling unease with Ryan being called her boyfriend said, “well I guess its up to him!” Ryan interrupted “No, I said I was on a date with my girlfriend so that’s a hard hell no” as Ryan and Gary both began laughing

Kiley smiled but didn’t find it funny as she was still uneasy about the boyfriend reference.

Though their date started rocky for Kiley, after a few drinks at a local bar she decided to set it aside and give Ryan a second chance. They had an enjoyable time swapping stories about bad dates and by the end of the night Kiley was reassured that Ryan was the guy she felt comfort with on the first date.

He would drop her off at home that night and said, “we should do this again, you’re a lot of fun Kiley” as Kiley agreed “we should.” Ryan gave her a kiss that night, it was gentle the way a first kiss should feel. “Okay, I’ll call you!” he said as he waited for her to open the door and step out.

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The next morning, she got into work a little late, “sorry for being late Sarah!” Sarah responded with a simple “no worries” then she said put your bag and coffee away and tell me everything. She knew exactly what that meant she wanted to hear all the juicy details. So, Kiley placed her bag in her locker and walked to the front of the studio. She began telling her that it was rocky at first and that she didn’t intend to meet

Ryan’s supervisor but after they began their date it went well when Sarah interrupted her,

“Oh he didn’t tell me about that part? He is a workaholic” Kiley surprised said “wait you talked to him already?” as Sarah mentioned yeah, he calls me every day, don’t worry were just friends.”

As Kiley looked at Sarah then said, “yeah that’s fine, your friends, no big deal.” At the end of their shift Sarah said, “you know “we should go on a double date, me my partner Mike and you and Ryan, what do you say” she asked? Kiley said yes, that’s a great idea. Kiley called Ryan later that day and Ryan sounded interested, then mid conversation, he started ranting “ oh that Sarah, she loves taking photos of everything and has about a million that she hasn’t done anything with, she is wasting her time and talent on photography” as Kiley felt uncomfortable with this line of conversation since Sarah always spoke so highly about Ryan. Kiley interrupted and said, “well I have to go so I’ll see you this weekend, okay?” Ryan agreed and they ended their call.

That Saturday, Kiley was running late when she arrived at Ryan’s home. Sarah greeted her at the door, “hey Kiley! Come in” gave her a hug then made the introductions to Mike, “Hey nice to meet you Kiley, Sarah talks about you all the time!” then Kiley said, “nice to meet you too Mike, same!” as Sarah and Kiley laughed, “Where’s Ryan? ”Kiley asked. Oh, he’s changing upstairs; he’ll be right down,” said Sarah. As Kiley sat down, she realized the home was genuinely nice, “wow nice looking home” said Kiley loud enough so Ryan would hear her. “Right” said Sarah smiling let’s go to the backyard, as Sarah grabbed her phone on the way out. “Hey let me take a photo of you standing in the front of the lake? When Sarah began taking photos of Kiley, Ryan stuck his head out of the backdoor and shouted “hey Kiley”, Kiley and Sarah began walking towards Ryan, Kiley wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to give him a hello kiss, or a hug, so she leaned in and hugged him to be safe. This felt comfortable for Kiley like just a bunch of friends spending time together, so she continued to see Ryan.

Six months later, Kiley and Ryan were still dating although Kiley always felt unease when Ryan would talk down about their friend Sarah. She stopped making a point to change the subject since he would get more upset when Kiley said anything to correct him. One afternoon, Ryan invited Kiley, Sarah, and Mike over. Sarah began taking photos on her phone of everyone. Kiley asked if she could borrow her phone as she must have misplaced hers’, Sarah agreed. Kiley snapped a few of Sarah and Mike, then walked over to where Ryan was lying on his couch taking a few photos of Ryan as he smiled with his shirt slightly unbuttoned. When Sarah got her phone back she laughed and said Ryan you have a huge Cowlick in your hair,” laughing uncontrollably he immediately flew into a rage and said “Delete it Sarah, Delete it now!” standing up from the couch then slamming his drink down on the table as Sarah calmly said um “ok” but had already sent the group of photos to Kiley’s phone, stating as a matter of fact I’m deleting it now.

She didn’t lie about it, but she didn’t disclose that before she deleted it one would be available now on Kiley’s phone. He mentioned he was tired and had to work the next morning and sent Sarah and Mike home for the night. As Kiley and Ryan spent the night together, she woke up in the middle of the night remembering that she left her phone in his BMW. She thought she could rush downstairs, grab his car key fob unlock it from inside, and grab her phone before he even noticed it. She picked up the blankets not to wake him and creeped outside. After finding her phone on the passenger seat, she went back to the front door she realized it was locked. Oh no, she was upset that she didn’t think about his automatic lock at the front which meant she had no other way in. She had to knock on the door to wake him up, but he was deep asleep, so she had to ring the doorbell. Eventually waking him up, he came to the door and appeared disheveled and absolutely enraged. Ryan said “Oh my god! Kiley, what are you doing? She tried to explain that she needed her phone, that she had left it in his car, he said nothing but began walking upstairs and back to bed. She followed behind him and thought it was a little comical being locked out, but it was no big deal.

Ryan didn’t appear to share in the comedy of it leaving Kiley feeling dismissed. In that moment he looked at her the way he had always looked at Sarah, beneath him. The next morning, he asked to take her home and they spoke extraordinarily little on that drive which said something about Ryan as he was content to hear his own voice most days, no goodbye kiss, just a wave from Ryan to Kiley. The next few days she hadn’t heard back from him, so she attempted to call him, and it went straight to voicemail.

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A week went by when she asked her friend Sarah if she spoke with Ryan and Sarah said “yeah, I went by earlier to drop off an invitation.” And then simply said I don’t want to get in the middle of this but your also my friend so I’m telling you. Ryan said you were knocking on his door in the middle of the night disheveled and didn’t care about waking him or his neighbors up and because of that alone he wasn’t going to be involved with you anymore. Kiley realized at that moment that she was dealing with a real narcissist. Snap! As she walked past her portrait of Ryan and his Cowlick shaking her head in amusement.

While Kiley took slower steps towards the center of the photographs, she felt a heavier sense of emotion arose, realizing this was perhaps the most difficult of the three, yet, walked towards the image with clarity, pride, and confidence. This centerpiece was titled underneath, The X-Husband by Kiley Blake , “ which she recalled well, the moment she took that photo.

It was about ten till 1 o’clock as Kiley was driving as fast as she could down the road to meet her final class in creative arts. Where she would reveal her final project in photography. She was late to say the least, but she had time to stop and grab a quick coffee to boost her energy along the drive. Her drive was always so hectic living in a rural area of Colorado where she had to drive about 45 minutes every day to get to school. Kiley was often late for this class but specifically remembered her teacher saying if your late this time Kiley, your project will be invalid, and you will be given a zero for your final! Ugh! Kiley rolled her eyes and then she went on her way to her next class where she met up with her friend Samantha or Sam as everyone would call her. Sam had long blonde wavy hair and always seem to get attention from boys no matter where they went.

Sam was one of the first people she met at the University of Colorado, she recalls it well, she was in a photo journalism class and the assignments were being given out as the instructor asked who wants to fill in for Sam since she was going to be out of town visiting family in Montana. Kiley immediately raised her hand and said, “I’ll be her backup.” Sam didn’t seem to notice Kiley before then, but when she said she would help, Sam was thankful, so she walked up to Kiley after class and said thank you for doing this, I’m sure you’ll be great. As Kiley was glad to help, she realized she didn’t know what Sam did for her regular assignments, so she asked what are you supposed to be covering? As they walked together to their next class she said baseball, I’m the sports photographer I thought you knew, ohh, Kiley thought, she never took moving photos before and didn’t really know if she would be any good and while she was thinking this Sam reassured her and said “don’t worry you’ll be fine” while giving her a few tips to work with.

These tips included making sure to get action in the photo and closeups of the players and the final tip was do not get hit. Kiley was uneasy and a bit afraid of the photos not coming out since she was used to taking photos of landscapes and inanimate objects like fruit. She showed up to her first men’s baseball game covering the Lions, she wasn’t sure how close to stand and wasn’t sure how to get the action photos like Sam suggested. She stood too close, and the umpire yelled “ GET OUT OF THE FIELD! ” pointing to Kiley. She stopped and politely said “sorry!” then walked back about ten steps. Kiley began shooting the umpire and his angry look, proof that she couldn’t stand too close, and therefore giving her the excuse, if she needed, if the photos turned out bad. She began taking photos of all the players while balls zipped back and forth from one base to another, she shot the images where she could see the action. She caught one player running towards the home base and thought, wow, that was a good one! Before Kiley knew it the game was over. Hopefully, I took enough good photos as the camera cover was placed back on.

The next day she took her photos into the editing room where there were darkrooms and students were able to print all their own photos. Kiley went into the darkroom and began developing her contact sheet just the way she always had before, when another student walked in. She was in the final stages of drying her image, so she wasn’t too bothered. The student came in close, looked at all the images and said, “Hey nice photos!” “oh” she said without hesitation “thank” before she could get her thank you out, he interrupted her and said, “it’s too bad you got all of the action photos of the rival team!” he said. Oh no, she thought as she looked down at all her photos in a panic and realized he was right.

He wasn’t being rude, just a matter of fact, and she was humiliated but thankful he brought this to her attention. “I don’t know too much about baseball but Thank you” she said as he introduced himself “I’m Stephen” as he put his hand out, she extended her hand “I’m Kiley, nice to meet you.” Stephen was slightly taller than Kiley with olive skin, tattoos covering his arms and a lot of hair gel that appeared to keep his hair standing straight up as most boys his age did. Although Stephen appeared to look too young for this class, hmm, she thought, brushed her initial judgement aside then said I’m not usually the sports photographer, I’m just filling in for Sam” as she said conversely. Stephen looked at her images and said “well you have a real eye for sports” as he complimented her as she walked out of the room, they smiled at each other.

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After a few short days passed, Sam was back in class and was excited to see what Kiley was able to catch. “Let’s see em! ” Sam said while Kiley took out the best action photos and the few of her home teams that were mostly portraits of their faces. Smiling as she went through them, Sam finally gave her first opinion, wow, these are great! As Kiley took a deep sigh of relief, “you think so?”, Sam replying “yeah these are way better than I thought you would get” as Kiley sat and thought about what Sam said she was interrupted by Stephen who was walking in the back of Sam to review her images again. Stephen was listening to their conversation while Sam praised Kiley for her efforts “ I’m glad you at least got the players in action,” she said. Kiley responding “even though they are the other team? Kiley asked while Sam said, “yeah we lost that game and that is the way the shutter rolls sometimes,” as she giggled. Though Sam was a bit quirky, Kiley and Sam became close friends after that point. Soon Kiley would follow Sam on assignment, they went to all sports games. Stephen also became important to her as they began dating. Stephen would always be a perfect gentleman bringing Kiley flowers, complimenting her just about every day and Kiley never tired of it.

After about a year of dating, Stephen and Kiley became a serious couple as they met each other’s parents, and next they moved into an apartment of their own. Not long after, Stephen asked Kiley to marry him and Kiley responded without a thought saying “YES!” This was the beginning of the end, but she didn’t know it yet. As they started their young life together as a married couple, Kiley was still a student at the University when Stephen had stopped attending taking a gap year. During this time, he began to show subtle signs of change, he began dominating most aspects of Kiley’s life. “You need to stay away from Sam, she’s a bad influence and you need to concentrate on school!” Stephen would say.

One day Kiley came home to work on a project and began using their shared computer as she was putting together her thoughts, Stephen walked in the back of her placing his hand on her shoulders while reading what she had typed. He began to mention things he didn’t like about where her project was going, “you can leave that out, hmm, and add this,” as a boss would say to his employee she thought, this is my project. He then said, “I am just trying to help you, you want an A, don’t you?” Kiley then would say “Yes,” but she knew this was Stephen’s way of jumping in and working on the project as his own. Kiley began to leave her projects at school, that way, he wouldn’t be able to intervene with them. As Stephen began to lose a little bit of control over this, he would start more fights with Kiley.

“You’re not going to that festival,” Stephen would declare when Kiley would say “I’m the single student juror, and I’m going” deep down she knew that Stephen would get his way in the end because she needed to avoid any further fighting.

In her heart, she wanted to gain control for once and fight for her own independence but that wasn’t the day and that wasn’t the fight. The days grew more difficult to navigate with Stephen and though she was close friends with his sister Dawn, his mother was difficult to stay in good graces with. Kiley would often see where Stephen had learned his habits.

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One day, Stephen’s mother Amelia came to visit, and she seen them fighting over bills not paid and Stephen not pulling in his share when she said why don’t you two come and live with us. The us, Amelia was referring to was herself and her husband Steve, yet they were living in another city about one hundred miles from Stephen and Kiley. Stephen looked at Kiley and said, “ what do you think” While Kiley had said “no” I’m in school. Stephen raised his eyebrows pondering the question, well you can take a gap year like me and a break while we save money and next year you can go back. Kiley felt anger grinding her teeth she said “it’s a big step but well talk about it Amelia” then steps out of the room.

A few weeks later, they were packing their items up to begin moving. At the beginning of the month, she felt like this could be a good decision while saving money and getting back on their feet. Kiley began working at two different jobs while putting the money she made away in a savings account. Stephen was working at a warehouse with his father Steve, and everything appeared to be landing as planned.

But this quickly changed, as a little over a month had passed when Amelia initially asked the couple to pay her their portion of rent leaving Kiley so confused. But it wouldn’t be the end of her bringing it up, Kiley heard Amelia talking to Stephen about Kiley contributing nothing while living at their home. When she overheard this, she was angry since she was under the impression that they would be giving the couple time to save and get back on their feet. As the days went by and Amelia began to bring up contributing more, Kiley would attempt to appease her by giving her a portion of her paychecks. And though this didn’t seem to work the way she hoped, it kept her off Kiley’s back for a few weeks. This was long enough for Kiley to begin a third job so she and Stephen could get a place of their own. Which is what they did.

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The problem with that plan unfortunately was Stephen was back to his old ways. He would ask where she would be going as she kept all three jobs. It wasn’t for the lack of funds but more of a way to get away from the constant arguing and fighting they had daily. One restless morning, Kiley opened up the basement door walking down the stairs where there were a few last unpacked boxes and one that read Delicate handle with care!! so she decided to open the box to see what was so delicate and she came across some images of her old friend Sam. Underneath the images were Kiley’s camera ,”hello old friend,” she said.

Her camera must have been tucked in that box for several years before she opened it up that morning. The camera had some rust spots on the exterior and dust around the lens cap and as she held it for a moment the camera felt heavier than she remembered. Gripping the side of the camera she recognized how much this was missing from her life. In that moment she realized she didn’t just give up a friendship for Stephen she gave up her first true love and passion , her photography.

Kiley pondering many thoughts in her head, she packed up her camera, grabbed some fresh batteries, and told Stephen, “I’m going for a drive.” Stephen predictably said, “I’ll come with you.” There was extraordinarily little traffic out that morning, as they drove up to a breathtaking mountain top where she parked her car, stepping out to take a few photos as there were still small snow patches on the mountain. She was able to take images of large boulders on the mountains and some lovely Blue Spruce trees, then stopped. While Stephen, a few steps below her breathing heavily and struggling to get to the top of the mountain where Kiley stood, Kiley turned to Stephen and said,

“I want a divorce!”

As the words hit Stephen like a brick, he witnessed Kiley, who stood there composed and confident as she raised her camera intently, then taking the shot. This image would become the centerpiece as The X-Husband.

The final photo would be The X-Mother In-Law, where she remembers the exact moment, she was taking it. Arguing with Amelia, while she talked down to Kiley saying,

“MY SON IS BETTER THAN YOU! ” and “YOU’RE THE ONE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM”

as she would often say while fighting Stephen’s battles. Kiley in a calm voice briefly stated” I’m getting the divorce whether he or you like it or not, Amelia”, standing in front of her car, Amelia’s hands placed on her hips with her overnight curlers still in her hair but she would finally be done trying to appease her. Kiley drove in reverse to get out of her parking spot, then placing the car in drive she put her foot on the brake pedal for a brief second looked at Amelia but Kiley only felt pity, pulling her camera up from the strap in her passenger seat she took the photo of Amelia standing alone with pajamas on and curlers coming out of her hair. This would be her final image in the gallery but far from the last image Kiley would take.

After viewing the last image, she looked above as there were words that read “The Narcissist Hall of Fame” smiling with the sense of accomplishment where she got to the end of the gallery. She opened the exit door and on the other side was her husband Mathew holding their newborn in a baby sling and the hand of their daughter. Their eyes met up as the door opened, Mathew smiled at Kiley leaning in close, his voice quiet enough just for her

“You did it”.

Though you were enchanted at one point in your life, you’ll see fully awakened, that the partner you deserve may be just on the other side of that door.

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This is the second story from Amber & Ash and it belongs to every woman who has ever stood in front of a portrait of someone who underestimated her and felt the full weight of how much time she gave away before she found her way out.

Kiley Blake walks into a gallery at the Chicago Humanities Festival carrying everything she survived and nothing she still owes anyone. What she finds on those walls she put there herself. And what is waiting on the other side of the exit door is everything that was always meant for her.

The Narcissist Hall of Fame is not a story about anger. It is a story about what a woman does with a camera and a clear set of eyes once she finally trusts what she always knew.

It is for the woman still enchanted. For the woman who just walked out. And for the woman standing in her own gallery wondering how she got all the way here from all the way there.

Welcome back to Amber & Ash.

— Bonnie Bluewater

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Thanks for reading Amber & Ash! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and to support my work. Together we get through this!

Subscribe now

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I know it feels unfair, and believe me, I wish it wasn't. But the way you get through this will be the difference between it keeping you down or pushing you forward, moving you through life.

It was early, so early it was still dark outside, and it felt like night, but there was a hint of light out, which led Delilah to believe that it was indeed early. Delilah’s head was still lying on the pillow as she opened her eyes and could see her long curly hair covering most of her face.

Opening her eyes for the morning, she realized her arms were reaching in the air as if she was hugging someone “hmmm,” she said. Was she awake or asleep? And why did it feel like she had just been swimming? Like the summer where she was under water too long that some water went right into her nose, in that moment she felt like she was going to puke, she coughed but thankfully didn’t. She put her arms down and slowly picked up her head from the bed, wiped the dew from her nose with the palm of her small hand, then picked out the hard crumbs that ended up in the corners of her eyes. She always wondered how crumbs ended up at the edge of her eyes. Tossing the blankets off her, she heard her mom yell her name

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“Delilah! Delilah! what is taking you so long, come eat breakfast!” She said in a not so soft tone.

“I’m coming”

Delilah begrudgingly yelled back, in a very sassy tone as she reached her arm back up once more and quickly grabbed a small piece of pink bubble gum she left from the night before, that she stuck on the wall. To Delilah, if the gum still had a bit of sweet flavor, it would have been a shame to just throw it out.

Now, she didn’t always keep it on her wall, but once she forgot to take it out of her mouth, she woke up with it stuck in her long curly hair. Delilah’s older sister, Ava, had to cut out a chunk of her curls just to get it out,

“Ok, now, stay very still” she recalled Ava saying right before she chopped it off, ouch, Delilah thought, and from that point forward, she kept it in her safe place.

Once she realized what day it was, she couldn’t contain herself, so she jumped out of her bed and yelled “finally” the day had come when she was heading on a field trip to the town’s local amusement park. She was so excited that she almost forgot she was still wearing her pajamas, she quickly pulled off and threw her pajamas on the ground and put on her summer shorts coupled with her going out shirt which was just one of her brothers t-shirts that felt more like a dress the way it fit two sizes too big, but that was only because before her brother, this used to be her dad’s t-shirt. She ran towards the front door passing the breakfast table and realized her whole family was awake at the table. Her brother Adam, who was the oldest sibling by three years, her sister Ava, who was the second oldest, but only by two years her dad and mom all had their lunch bags on the table next to them while eating breakfast.

They seemed a little irritated while they awaited her, as her dad picked up his wrist to view the time on his watch mumbling something she couldn’t exactly hear. Delilah sat down next to Ava at the table and in an extremely excited tone yells “I’m going on a field trip today!” as Adam and Ava got up, just laughed and began shaking their heads as they walked outside. Delilah jumped up from the chair not even touching her breakfast, did a small dance, and then pivoted towards the door as excitement filled her whole body. Her mom handed her a lunch bag as she walked outside in the back of Adam and Ava who were heading towards the backdoor of their old blue Chevrolet.

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She remembers when her parents just got the Chevy and picked her up in it for the first time, they rolled up next to her and her friend walking home together. Cathy was undoubtedly talking about their Physical education class being way too demanding and way too physical for middle school.

“ I don’t know why we all have to run I can barely walk! Cathy said and Delilah agreed “yeah, they try to torture us for at least 20 minutes every day for fun!”

Both began laughing like they did on most days as she could always count on a laugh from her good friend Cathy! She began flipping her hair from her face and almost didn’t recognize her own parents driving alongside her. They were driving so slowly they came to a complete stop.

Delilah’s mom yells “get in you two! We’ll drop you off at home Cathy!” Delilah and Cathy glanced at one another, then let out a small giggle “wow” Delilah thought saying “ this is the coolest and best-looking car in the whole neighborhood . Cathy corrected her by saying “well maybe not the best but it definitely beat the old one.”

Their old family car was a brown cocoa bean color that struggled to start from time to time, and shrieked every time they stopped ,”how embarrassing!”

One time they drove up to a stop sign in that car right in the front of her grade school, and as they stopped the car, it let out the loudest of shrieks , then in the corner of her eye, she seen a silver tire cap rolling alongside and passing their car almost hitting a pedestrian , while her and her sister Ava bursted out laughing.

So, this was a big upgrade from that last car as far as cars are concerned. Yet, one thing she hated the most was when both her siblings came along because this meant as the youngest kid at 12 years old and the smallest she always had to fit inside the very small space in the middle, and always felt like she was being sit on, “get off me!, get off,” as she said frustrated with her siblings lifting both arms back up in the air as if she was hugging someone. While the car drove away, she realized that she was on her way to a fieldtrip and the best part of that was she would be sibling free, she took a deep breath, then yelled “Yessss!” she couldn’t contain her excitement.

And on this very typical routine day, her dad and mom sat in the front seats with her mom driving her to school, her siblings on both sides of Delilah and their ears covered by head phones so she leaned close to the right side where her brother sat to hear “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel playing, then leaned to the left side where Ava sat and heard Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time “playing . While they drove on, she put her headphones above her ears and began listening to one of many of her favorites by Tiffany, “I Think We’re Alone Now”, Delilah begins to sing along as loud as she could. Ava and Adam both looked past Delilah at each other and turned their music up just enough to drown out Delilah’s singing. Her mother and father chuckled and looked at one another.

After a few more songs on her playlist, Delilah noticed her proximity to the school, turning the corner, then noticed all of her friends outside on the long unkept grass in the front of her school. She also pointed out the exceptionally large buses lined up at the front of the school, no doubt waiting for the kids to board them. As her car was pulling into the parking area she noticed they weren’t driving the normal route to get to her classes and friends, no, they were driving towards the back, where there was a parking lot full of teachers’ cars. The one way she could tell they were teachers’ cars was that all of them had terribly boring colors, and all of them were more than 20 years old. That’s when she asked her mom, looking very confused” why didn’t you drop me off in front with my friends? Oh no, Delilah shrunk in her seat and thought were her parents going to be chaperones? The kind that come on field trips and totally embarrass their own kids, no, they wouldn’t do that, would they? Are you going to be a chaperone mom,” paused then said “dad? “Delilah asked partly covering her eyes.

Her mom parked the car, looked at Delilah’s father, reaches back, then looked directly at Delilah and says, “A chaperone ?”in a high-pitched tone, slightly smiling at the thought then says “no Delilah, no ! Delilah looked to her left and then to her right and neither one of her siblings seemed surprised, was she the only one not in on the secret?

Her mom sighed, then said “look”, paused to gather the right words, then said, “Delilah, it’s the end of the month, we need to pay some bills, and are low on cash so I’m sorry but you're not going to school today we need all the help we can get” that’s when Delilah put it all together she wasn’t going on the field trip with her parents as the chaperones, no, she and her siblings were all there for one reason alone and it was for going to work in the fields. Delilah felt a strong sense of sadness throughout her body, her face felt tight, and her smile turned to a frown. Her mom took the keys with her like she had every other time she parked the car and said “OK, wait here I’ll be right back” touching the shoulder of her dad, he nodded, said “ok” and she quickly closed the door behind her.

A few minutes went by when Delilah started to think maybe this was some kind of joke set up by her friends, yeah, she thought were they all going to be waiting for her at the front of the school? They were always coming up with different ways to prank each other.

With that in mind she reached over Adam and grabbed the handle to attempt to open the door, “ouch!” her brother yelled “get off me,” so she yelled back “I’m trying to open the door and get out” Adam calmly stated “you heard mom she said, we need to wait here, so, we wait! “Just as Adam was mid sentence their mom opens up the car door and sits back down. “OK, are we all ready to go?”

At that moment she realized it was real, not a joke like she had hoped. Her mother must have went into the school past her friends on the lawn and straight in to the office where she undoubtedly would have spoken to Mrs. Lee, the office clerk, to let her know that her daughter would not be attending school that day and not going on the field trip that all the other students would be attending. Devastated, Delilah stopped the music from playing and put her headset on her lap, crossed her arms, sinking even further into her seat.

As the Chevy drove away from the school, past the school buses, she sat up from her seat only to glance at some of the lines where her friends were beginning to board the buses. She felt the sadness creep in while she wiped a few tears from her eyes and sniffles from her nose, when her mother looked at her through the rear view mirror, saddened by the view of her daughter being so solemn, but knew she had to stay the course and so she drove on. Delilah couldn’t believe that she would have to spend an entire day out in the sun picking blueberries and strawberries instead of having fun with her friends and it just hit her that she was indeed on a field trip of her own, just a different kind of field trip. There would be no rides and snacks and people waiting for shows. And though there would be long lines of people, these families wouldn’t be basking in the sun for fun, they would all be working.

Delilah thought, I’m not even dressed for field work, I have shorts on, and no sunscreen! And just as she was thinking about these things her mother said, “I have some extra sweatpants in the trunk in case you need them” then smiles at Delilah.

When they arrived that morning, Delilah was still very upset, but she knew she was there to work, so that’s what she did, she took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to join her family in the fields. Once they were in the blueberry fields, with the sun gleaning out over the horizon she began to feel a little better. She observed her father pulling the fruit from the bushes without any hesitation and with complete ease, so she tried to do the same but kept pulling out branches instead of the fruit. How did he make it look so easy she thought. Her father observed her from afar then walked towards her, leaning down he placed his hands in back of hers to show her there was a rhythm and flow to picking the fruit without damaging them.

As Delilah looked up at him, she noticed a bit of sweat coming down from his forehead. Delilah also noticed her hands were much smaller than her father’s, but she began delicately pulling the fruit in the same flow as he had just shown her. Beginning to feel the ease of the handling, while her dad watched her for a few more minutes, he nodded down at her in approval and said, “you got it!”, she looked at him then smiled as he walked away. Letting her hands do the work being gentle but precise, she began to hum a tune to her favorite song and moving her head side to side.

After just one row of picking the fruit, she couldn’t resist just a sampling of the beautiful blueish and purple tiny fruit, she couldn’t believe the sweetness that came in such a small package. “Wow”, she said as her eyes grew big cause these were juicy yet crisp, and just enough sweetness for Delilah to want one more, okay, maybe two more, while Delilah, Ava and Adam picked the rest in the row.

Once they were done picking the blueberries, her family drove across the road to the strawberry fields. She observed rows and rows of this small red heart shaped colored fruit, and it was so wonderful she thought and said to Adam “I’m trying one” while running towards the rows to pick one but this time Adam didn’t attempt to stop her. A big gulp came right after popping it into her mouth, “Yum!” she said with her mouth semi full of berries.

She thought the blueberries were the sweetest fruit she would try that morning, she was mistaken. She had tried plenty of blueberries, and strawberries from the local grocery store but these were different, this fruit was quickly becoming her favorite. These were possibly the sweetest and freshest fruit she had ever tried, until that point anyway. She also noticed Ava wouldn’t be able to resist these either as she was also picking a few, and eating a few, all the way through the row. “Stop eating the profits” said Adam jokingly with a mouthful of berries.

After what felt like the longest day in Delilah’s life, it was finally coming to an end. Her family picked up their water bottles and lined up along with other families. Gathering the final carts of fruit they had picked and handing them to the farmers, in turn, the farmers handed Delilah’s mother and father a single piece of paper with the exact amount of fruit they picked and their pay for that day.

Some of the farmers walked by Delilah and her siblings thanking them for their hard work. It was nice to be thanked and good to hear they did a great job. While Delilah looked down, she noticed a collection of fruit stains and dirt on her shirt, so she began wiping all of the dirt from her shirt “aww” she said in a low tone. Delilah’s mother turned to her, Adam and Ava then handed each of them a small amount of money, and although it wasn’t a lot, it was enough.

As Delilah’s mom and dad walked past the other families in that field, she heard her first “thank you” and again “thank you.” Reciprocally, the families thanked each other for their help. Delilah also wanted to show her appreciation “thank you” she said in a high-pitched tone. As the moonlight started to peak out, they all ended their walk at the front of their blue Chevy with Delilah’s dad saying, “let’s go home” and then driving them home that evening.

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Almost a decade later, now a young mom, this would become one of Delilah’s most prominent memories when sitting down at her breakfast table. On occasion, her mom and dad would come by for a visit with their grandkids and when they did Delilah made sure to remind her aging father how grateful she was by saying “Dad, you did more than teachers ever could!” wrapping her arms around him, he’d simply smile, nod and his words were always the same, “I did the best I could, in my own way.” Delilah hoped to raise her children with the same amount of love she was given, making a point to mention to her children to be the best they can be, stay calm on the tough days because there would be sunshine waiting just around the corner. And yes, Delilah wouldn’t forget to mention the small things including dressing for the weather and applying plenty of sunscreen as she slings a stick of gum towards her mouth and then in a sassy tone yelled “not again!

For everyone that has ever worked the lands, and wondered if it was enough, it was, and so much more, never alone, as we are all seeds in this human family, growing to reach our full potential, and the only thing that is getting in our way is us.

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Introduction

You will get through this with clarity and strength as they did before you.

This is the first thing I want you to know before you read a single word I write here.

I’m Bonnie Bluewater, and this is Amber & Ash, a space built for the stories that live in the hard and beautiful spaces of being human. The ones that didn’t come with easy beginnings. The ones that required more of you than they should have. The ones that made you stronger before you were ready to be.

I write fiction. But I write it the way I learned to survive by telling the truth inside the story until the story becomes something a reader can carry with them long after the last page.

Amber & Ash exists for the woman who grew up faster than she should have and found a way through it anyway. For the families who worked hard ground and wondered if it was enough. For every person who received love in an imperfect form and spent years learning to recognize it for what it was.

This is not a space for performance or perfection. It is a space for the real things written carefully, offered honestly, and always with the belief that the way you get through something matters more than whether it was fair to begin with.

Seeds Don’t Choose Their Soil is the first story I am offering you. It is about a girl, a field, a father, and what gets handed down fair or not.

I hope it finds you exactly when you need it.

Welcome to Amber & Ash.

-Bonnie Bluewater

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